there are some things God can’t handle- OCD may be one of them

22 Apr

A mess like this is kind of a talent

Thomas Beller “The Mints from Frank E. Campbell”

A peek at my new book (Simon and Schuster, Spring 2011)

God didn’t stop my dreams about fire. Just like he didn’t stop me from crying and making a big thing in front of everyone on the first day I left my mother’s house. The night before I put my suitcase and backpack and typewriter into the back of my dad’s truck, I dreamed about my mother in flames. Jesus was in the dream, too. He was on the cross in his underwear and wore a crown of metal spikes like the kind you use to stop a beast from entering a pretty garden. Blood ran down his cheeks and I could see my mom crouched underneath him. When the blood touched her skin it sizzled. Holes  like empty eye sockets covered her face.

I don’t remember doing a thing to help the situation out.

My heartbeat tugged at the jugulars in my neck like a caught fish. I awoke to my own quick voice, “You leave and you’ll die.” I couldn’t stop shaking. Blue digital numbers blinked 3:15, Amityville Horror time. Without a second thought about it, I walked to the kitchen, sifted through my mother’s purse and stole one of her halcyon pills. Sniffing it first, I broke a tiny piece off between my two front teeth and chewed it quickly. On the walk back to my bedroom I felt sick and dizzy, but that was just me turning the pictures of my head into something you have to purchase tickets for before you can watch.

Nothing really happened except that when I fell back asleep an opening as white as the first time breathing was the only thing behind my eyes. My mother was no longer caught in fire and blood. Jesus was gone.

I was grateful for that.

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6 Responses to “there are some things God can’t handle- OCD may be one of them”

  1. Kathleen Keeslar April 23, 2010 at 1:55 am #

    I can’t wait–these great little peeks you give us makes it all the better! You are my kind of writer, Traci. Your words are the kind that will keep me reading ALL night until I’ve finished the whole book.

  2. tracifoust April 23, 2010 at 2:41 am #

    Thanks so much, Kathleen.. You are a huge support and inspiration for me.

  3. KAYTWO April 23, 2010 at 8:12 am #

    I wonder if the goat will be verbally butchered and feasted upon?

    What day were your wings clipped?

    Were you “spotting”?

    Lemonade made with holy water is always warm.

    A 3 legged high chair will teach you balance.

    Some thoughts after reading the sneak peak. The machine is greased with your words.

  4. Thorn April 24, 2010 at 3:56 am #

    . most people I know suffer from OCD, Obsessive Compliance Disorder.

    Symtoms are an inability to change anybody’s perception about anything, especially there own. A VAn Morrison song “Most people think that everything-is just what they assume.” You do not suffer from OCD, and your writing reminds me of Bethoveen’s answer when asked why he wrote music:”To change the World.” I hope you get the part in the book you bought when the artist knows that those who succeed with their art do so because they perform their striptease for the blind–all inhibitions gone when they realize that their audience is blind, and the liberties of movement and intent that allows. That is how you write, beyond awareness that anybody is even reading over your shoulder, and the result is the holy graille that most writers seek but never find: originality.

  5. tracifoust April 24, 2010 at 5:05 pm #

    Thorn and Koz, thanks so much for you kind words, Thorn.. your writing and your book have held me up this past week.. Ko, who knew you were such a poet!

  6. Aaron Foster April 26, 2010 at 9:27 pm #

    Awesome Traci!!! Can’t wait for the book!!!

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