I’ll Stay Here and Guard the Knife Drawer- An Editorial of Vicodin, Vodka and Vaginas
I’d like to congratulate everyone for making it through Mental Health month. Those of you whose court dates have been pushed up another week, you know who you are. Besides forgetting all that admittance-is-the-first-step nonsense just in time for Cinco De Mayo, it seems we now have our very own thirty-one days to celebrate the inability to make healthy decisions and produce serotonin. So let’s take a moment to back away from the thrill of marking the night the condom broke with another Mother’s Day card and honor one of the most exalted days of Spring.
I’m talking of course about May 4th: National Renewal Day.
Snopes it if you must, this jubilee of all things expiring is a real holiday. We’re talking about an entire day to not only remember your risk-free trial of the Shake Weight is about to expire— along with your hopes of cougaring your way back into your old high school tank tops—but a legitimate excuse to run to the pharmacy for a medication refill.
As if we needed any.
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11 Reason’s Why You’re Not Getting Laid in Southern California
Think only men have a hard time finding romance under the perfect sun of Southern California? Despite what reality dating shows say, women are also at a challenge when it comes to meeting someone who doesn’t start every sentence with, “Dude, right?”
Here’s some quick time saving interpretations to real profiles of men looking for love/therapy/sick waves in the Golden State. (Sorry I can’t be more global on this. Apparently, after filling out my starter questions to purposely make it look like I was interested in anything that moves, it was decided 75 miles exceeds my how-far-are-you-willing-to-drive-for-true-love limit.)
1. Kevin 34, X-Ray Tech, Orange County: I enjoy long walks on the beach or just hanging out with friends = Hope you like sitting at home in front of the TV. As you can see by my lack of interest in anything, we’ll be doing a lot of it.
2. Skylar 31, Consultant, San Diego: I’m into hiking, camping, rock climbing, skiing, bicycling, kayaking and anything else to keep me connected with the outdoors = Does K2 have a candlelight dinner section? If not we can always use my tent and waterproof notebook to watch clips of Man vs. Wild while we eat the homemade jerky I make from recycled backpacks and my own sweat.
3. Corey 29, Self Employed, Manhattan Beach: I guess you could say I’m kind of a beach bum. I love the ocean and I’ve surfed every day since I was twelve = See Also: fun evening with Kevin the long beach walker. Toss in a flannel Hoodie which doubles as my towel, the inability to stay awake after 10pm and me being, “stoked” about everything. Except whatever it is you want to do.
4. Salvador 30, Personal Weight Trainer, Oceanside: I love a woman who can take herself to the limits. My line of work involves pushing people further than they ever thought they could go, so I’m looking for someone who understands this concept and loves staying in shape as much as I do = Our intimate activities can best be summed up by the Steroidian Truth—sometimes a shriveled up dick is just a shriveled up dick. I meant it when I said you’ll have to take yourself to the limits. Hope you’re into veins.
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Traci Foust is the author of the acclaimed new memoir NOWHERE NEAR NORMAL (Simon and Schuster/Gallery Books) Scroll down to see the NPR interview, reviews, pics and the Amazon link